A lecture on how Facebook updates can quickly go wrong

The following is a hypothetical situation regarding a classroom lecture using social networking as a tool.

Alright class, it's time to begin. Everyone take their seats and find their places. We have a lot to accomplish today. We'll start by reviewing our homework from last time.

No, Mr. Fisher, there will not be any extra credit. Homework is to be done at home. There are no medals for accomplishing things I assign you.

OK, before we begin, let's check our Facebook group and see if anyone had any questions.

Oh my – so many notifications. Let's start from the beginning.

At 3:36 p.m., strangely enough when this class started – I don't allow the use of cell phones in here – Brittany Webb said "What's the deal with his bowtie?"

A very apt question, Ms. Webb, but I ask you to leave your thoughts and considerations of my fashion choices to yourself.

Oh, and the same for you, Jake Fisher, who "Liked" it.

OK, next question. Let's hope it's a more serious one.

At 3:52 p.m., Thomas Law said "I can't be in class today because of a doctor's appointment – what is the homework?"

Is Mr. Law in class today? Mr. Law, are you here? Raise your hand. Oh, he's not here.

Let's take a look at his profile and see what he was up to yesterday and see if he really went to the doctor.

Status Update at 3:53 p.m. "Just blown off my Art History class. Time to get drunk!!!!"

Well, I know they once said alcohol was medicinal, class, but I don't think Jack Daniels or Jim Beam have medical licenses.

This will be duly noted in Mr. Law's permanent class record.

My God – is that him performing a keg stand? Charming, a picture of him humping a traffic light. I have the best and brightest students.

Oh, what's this little box down here – oh, it's a chat message from my wife, Bertha. We've been married 32 years.

"Honey, how is the class today? Had a migraine yet?" Oh, how nice of her to check up on me.

I can hear those giggles in the back, class, don't make me turn around.

Let me tell her I'm busy right now. "Sorry dear, I'm busy." There we are. Oh, she went offline anyway. That's annoying, isn't it?

Oh, some new alerts – I hope none of you are using your phones under the desk.

What's happening? 58 new alerts? What's going on here?

Why is everyone liking everything?

Stop it. This is getting out of control.

What's this under my notifications toolbox?

"A stray cow has wandered into Jennifer Thompkins farm! Help her find it!"

"Simon Piechowski has tagged a photo of you. Click here to see it." Apologies, class, I seem to be getting alerts left, right and center here.

Very funny, Mr. Piechowski, but I am not a squirrel. I demand you remove my tag immediately.

Why am I being bothered with so many alerts about stray cows? Why is wildlife taking over my Facebook feed?

All I wanted to do was get our class streamlined and online – none of these shenanigans.

How much times does class have left? Oh, great, we've wasted about 30 minutes here.

Still, I guess that's better than waiting for MIX to load.

I expect more of a professional atmosphere from all of you next week.

Class dismissed.